Passion and negativity

I just watched the anime of Shohoku vs. Sannoh (fan-made video: http://www.bilibili.com/video/av9591338/), and I was moved to tears again. I remember the last time I felt this way was when I watched the Shohoku vs. Sannoh game two years ago when I watched the HD remake of Slam Dunk.

As someone who's practically an athlete, I was influenced by Slam Dunk since childhood, always naively believing in "never giving up" and "always striving for first place." I've always lived with this belief. From the 100m to soccer, it's always been about getting first place, never second. Benefiting from my talent, although there have been many setbacks, I've ultimately achieved something.

I've always loved surpassing others, and I'm very proud to keep doing so. This is my 100m record from my first year of high school, one of the few records I've ever broken.

Time flies after graduating from university, and various beliefs decay along with it. It's not because I no longer dream of reaching the summit, but because I'm slowly overshadowed by various trivial matters and pressures. Sometimes, I feel extremely unwilling deep down, but I find it hard to clench my fists for long.

Today, I revisited the passion of the past—the familiar formula, but a different flavor—and realized the problem lay in compromise and disorganization. "This doesn't matter," "That doesn't matter," it felt like I'd already experienced or achieved all of this, and striving for it again would be exhausting and unfulfilling. I instantly lost heart. A team and a shared goal are crucial. Without a team and a goal, clenching your fists and gritting your teeth alone won't last.

I have nothing, yet I lack nothing. I possess everything, yet I desire nothing.

I'm still an athlete, a warrior. In recent years, the only thing that excites me is the annual soccer tournament. This year's Eastern Conference Cup might be my last chance to win the championship, which excites me immensely, driving me to train from early morning to late at night. In a few years, when I can no longer play and the chance to dominate the nation is gone, the thought is terrifying. No wonder people at this age are already having children; being busy can lead to a life of numbness.

Even if I take a pessimistic look, deep down I still yearn for the top.