The second day of the Lunar New Year in 2011

I realized I haven't written anything in my journal since the end of the final exams. No wonder, I've been living such a decadent life for the past two weeks, getting up at noon and going to bed at 1 or 2 in the morning. Although I tell myself every day that this is bad and wrong, I still can't change it.

I feel like a deflated balloon, with no energy left to strive. Is it exhaustion or just laziness? Tomorrow I'm going to Shanghai for two weeks of GRE preparation. I know it's incredibly difficult, but I'm not mentally or physically ready to fight. If it were the ambitious me of the past, I would have faced the challenge with full confidence. But now?
[separator]
Excessive indulgence has eroded my willpower, and I haven't been able to settle down to read and study for a long time. I hope today and tomorrow will be a turning point, with less restlessness and more groundedness.

During the Spring Festival, I didn't go anywhere except to my maternal grandparents' house. Suddenly, I feel that the Spring Festival is getting further and further away from me. Although I could vaguely feel the atmosphere of family reunions on New Year's Eve, I couldn't truly experience the festive spirit. I remember when I was little, I would go to my paternal grandparents' houses, Huzhou, Shaoxing, and all sorts of places. What was that feeling like to be able to have so much fun at my relatives' homes? As I grew up, my parents grew old, and after my grandfather passed away, I never tasted the joy of the Spring Festival again.

My maternal grandfather is a very traditional person; I could tell he still held some traditional views that favored sons over daughters. I never really knew him well, only that he was a journalist. The biggest takeaway from this Lunar New Year's Eve was my grandfather; I learned about his character and deeds. Looking back, my paternal grandfather and maternal grandfather have many similarities. Their actions in their youth make me feel ashamed. As their descendant, I feel incredibly proud. If my paternal grandfather helped me mature in my teens, then my maternal grandfather was perhaps my mentor in my twenties; there are many things I can learn from him. His success also fills me with confidence.

Looking back, I carried the expectations of my entire family. Although I'm not a traditional person, my grandparents on both sides were. My grandfather had two daughters and one son, while my maternal grandfather had three daughters. My maternal grandfather, who longed for a son, always hoped for one, but unfortunately, things didn't go as planned. I became the focus of both families, and this pressure was something I unconsciously tried to alleviate. But I wish this pressure could accompany me, allowing me to strive forward under pressure and not become so restless.

On one side are genuine professors from the Chinese Department of Zhejiang University, and on the other side are accomplished journalists who have interviewed leaders of various countries, including Nixon. As their descendants, how can we be decadent? With such pride as our asset, can we transform it into the driving force to stride forward towards even greater achievements?

February 5, 2011. I hope to reverse my mindset and start making changes now.