future

With less than two weeks left until graduation, time suddenly feels like it's flying by. Thinking back to all the dreams I had before coming to the US last year, and now the slightly weary struggle to keep going, I realize I was eager to leave campus and compress two years of study into a year and a half. But now, as graduation approaches, I wonder, how can it end like this? After officially leaving campus, it's just work, work, get off work, work, get off work. Suddenly, I'm filled with a sense of dread about the future.

In an unfamiliar environment, with a different culture and a slight language barrier, I've stepped into society. Just thinking about it makes me a little nervous. Finding a job is, of course, my top priority. From dreaming of landing a job at a big company in September, to just wanting any company to hire me in October, to the fierce battle for DC (Department of Capital Attraction) in November, and now, with several offers that are at least tangible, I'm grateful that I still have some plans and bottom lines. These plans, or rather, dreams, are propelling me forward step by step.

But upon closer reflection, how valuable is this so-called plan? My original plan was to graduate early, apply for an H1B visa in 2014, obtain a work visa by the end of the year, and then try to apply for a green card in 2015 to pursue a research career, with the earliest possible outcome being 2017. But then what? What should I do after getting the green card? Every time I think about these things, my thoughts just vanish, and I always tell myself to take it one step at a time. But thinking about it carefully, getting a green card would actually put me in a dilemma.

I could continue working and living in the US for five years, then apply for citizenship and settle down there. But problems arise. Being from out of town (halfway around the world), cultural differences won't be easy to overcome. Who would I marry? What about my child's education? I can't teach them much about American culture or provide sufficient guidance—wouldn't that harm them? And what about my parents? As a single parent, they only have one child, and caring for them in their old age is a huge issue. Coming to the US might not be enough to adapt, but not coming means I can't raise them. A whole host of problems. Besides, China doesn't allow dual citizenship, so returning home would require a Chinese visa, which would be uncomfortable and awkward.

What if I give up? With a green card, I need to stay in the US for more than six months each year. What should I do? Give up the green card? What was the point of all that hard work, enduring hunger and hardship? Continue working for a multinational company and get sent to work in China? That's a good option, but these kinds of jobs aren't easy to find. What if I don't have the luck to find one?

The best solution to this problem is simply not to think about it. Haven't we all gone through this process? In elementary school, we thought about how to pass the high school entrance exam. In middle school, we thought about which university to attend and what major to study. In university, we thought about who to marry and what to name our children. Every step of our growth is driven by a force, a force that can be described as "brainwashing." In elementary school, we had dreams for growing up; in middle school, we had dreams for university; in university, we had dreams of independence after graduation. Most of us have followed this path without exception. But when they feel lost, they start to wonder, "Why did I live this way?" And then they find themselves in a dilemma.

As I write this, I realize that the future isn't actually that important to us, because none of us know what it will be like. What's important is the dreams and motivation it gives us, enabling us to leave the land beneath our feet and move in a certain direction.

Life is never easy.