Jiang Wen: People who are not recognized by their parents are not confident.

This article is reproduced from the "Slot Value" column of NetEase Boiling Point Studio (public account: caozhi163)

"Thirteen invites" Jiang Wen to be a guest. Xu Zhiyuan asked him, have you had any failures in your life? Jiang Wen said yes, about my relationship with my mother.

姜文是谁？中国最有个性的演员兼导演，满脸都是大写的牛Ｘ。

At the age of 23, he fell in love with the most popular female star in China; at the age of 55, he has become famous, winning the Golden Rooster and Hundred Flowers Best Actor, and the Taiwan Golden Horse Award for Best Director.

Such a man encounters the same problems as you and me.

During the interview, Jiang Wen said two small things.

One was when he was admitted to the Chinese Theater Academy and told his mother excitedly. Her mother threw the notice aside and said, "Look, your clothes haven't been washed yet."

Jiang Wen went to wash clothes.

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Later, when he became famous, other people's children made money and bought a house for their parents. Jiang Wen also bought a house for his mother, but her mother was unwilling to live there.

在这段亲子关系里，姜文一直努力讨好母亲，希望得到她的认可。今年3月，母亲去世，两人失去了和解的机会。

在访谈中，姜文很不甘心地说：我妈是3月份去世了还。

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这个访谈戳中我的点是，我也曾经活在我爸的差评里，总想向他证明，却始终未遂。

高二上学期，我学渣逆袭，考了全班第一。拿回成绩单，我爸轻蔑地说：“你瞎猫撞到死老鼠了。”

此后的各种考试，我心里总有两个小人打架：

A说：我一定要好好学习，证明给我爸看。

Ｂ说：反正怎么努力都没用，算了吧。

我大学选修心理学，跟年轻有为的男老师成了朋友。他说中国父母过于强调外力驱动，而忽略一个人真正变好是自我驱动的结果。

Only when people are loved and satisfied can they more easily believe in and pursue truth, goodness and beauty, and find happiness as a human being.

In the traditional Chinese sense, there is no psychology, only success studies. Therefore, traditional parents do not think that a child's happiness is a kind of success, and that a family loving each other is a kind of success. The happiness they set for their children is always to pursue fame and fortune, and to be "better than others."

Driven by profit, Chinese parents have tragically invented a suppressive parent-child relationship: It doesn't matter if you hate me, as long as you are promising.

They never think about how painful it must be for a successful person to harbor resentment and regret toward his parents.

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After I work, I often buy gifts for my parents.

My dad's attitude every time is, what are you buying, and you're spending money indiscriminately. I kept telling myself not to care about my father's attitude, and for a time I thought I was out of his evaluation system.

However, for my father's 60th birthday, I picked out gifts for him and filled half of my Taobao shopping cart, but I still couldn't decide what to buy.

I had a dream at night. I bought a massage chair for my dad. As soon as he sat on it, the chair melted. Before disappearing with the chair, my dad shouted with all his strength: Look what kind of junk you bought!

I woke up with a fright.

I didn’t buy a gift for that birthday. I said to my father, you won’t be happy with whatever you buy anyway. He looked very ugly at that time.

After several years of cold war. My fourth book was published, and my father took the initiative to call me and said that I had finished reading your new book and it was well written.

I finally bought him a massage chair last year. He rubbed his hands and said, "Oh, it's such an expensive thing." I thought the next sentence was, "You're spending money recklessly again." But he thought about it and said, "I am blessed with a daughter."

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My reconciliation with my father, the bad reviewer, started when I completely gave up on getting good reviews from him. Even if there is a father-daughter relationship, I am not obligated to always live in his "heart-breaking" truth.

There is a fable about a skinny boy who lost his parents when he was young, but a little bird said to him every day at his window, "You are the tallest and most powerful man in the world."

When the boy grew up, he really became the tall and mighty man that the little bird said. He became a general and saved the country.

Zhihu academic king Nonuo talks to the plastic surgery goddess Wu Xiaochen in "The Unspeakable". When Wang Nuonuo was in kindergarten, she was a well-liked little girl. After she entered elementary school, her mother was worried that she was "proud" and worked with the school teachers to suppress her. Afraid of her love of beauty, she was not allowed to wear skirts for more than ten years, which made her suffer from low self-esteem throughout her adolescence.

This kind of "crackdown on education" created Wang Nuonuo's twisted world view. This is also the reason why she became the biggest drawback after the episode of "The Unspeakable" aired.

On the one hand, she enjoys the convenience brought by beauty, but on the other hand, she is afraid that others will discuss her appearance. In her opinion, beauty is a shame and is contrary to connotation, so she will deliberately not wash her hair and go to the company's annual meeting.

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It is a terrible thing to be unable to accept your ordinary appearance. What is even more terrible is that you cannot even accept your own beauty and excellence.

Jiang Wen and Wang Nuonuo, who are not recognized by their parents, both have a black hole in their hearts that cannot be filled even if they become famous. This black hole is far-reaching and unsolvable.

It makes people live in the predicament of low self-esteem, swinging between two extreme emotions of inferiority and arrogance.

It is difficult to reform the parents of bad reviewers. Strength and majesty are things that permeate their bones. They neither believe in their children's self-will nor the destructive power of love. They only believe in prestige and filial piety; they believe that once a person becomes a parent, he or she wears the halo of being always right.

A reader wants to resign and go to work in a big city. Her friends and lovers are supportive, but she has no confidence. I asked her if she had encountered any major failures or setbacks. She said: "The biggest setback in my life was the blow my parents gave me."

I decided that I must convince her to leave her parents and go to a big city to make a living.

Between good children and bad parents, a physical or spiritual escape is needed.

"Respect your parents, don't be humble yourself" is an education we must receive when we grow up. No one has the right to influence our lives.

We work hard to make money, work hard, meet the right city, and have a good lover; we travel to places we like, eat delicious food, see beautiful scenery, and buy expensive or exquisite things;

Everything is to find ourselves; to find the point that can truly activate the pleasure switch deep in our hearts - and hold it firmly in our hands and never let go.