殇

Before leaving, I felt inexplicably down...

It's not so much that I'm reluctant to leave China, but rather that I'm reluctant to leave my youth. The four characters for 2019 are clearly before me, yet for a moment they seem like 2009. I've lost count of how many times I've excitedly strolled out of the airport, and how many times I've complained about everything back home. Home is still home. Everything is moving forward naturally, while I'm still standing in the center of the square. Those years I desperately rushed here, lost myself in the hustle and bustle, and the crowds around me are still rushing by. Where are they going?

Every return brings different feelings, and every departure tells a different story. From the confident chatter of my first days abroad, to the indifference of familiarity, to the arrogance after starting work, and finally to the current tranquility after experiencing it all. The question of "where to go from here" looms large in my mind. Drifting along for too long, it's as if I've lost the ability to swim. One wave brings me back to square one, and another pushes me forward.

Is this a dream, or reality? Should we accept it, or should we resist? I hate this kind of painless groaning the most; people are clearly doing well, yet they are not satisfied.

Am I running away, or am I powerless to face it?

(I came back and read one of my pieces, and I was so happy. It's been a long time since I've written anything that expresses my feelings. No wonder Grandpa always had alcohol with him when he wrote. I thought I had become numb and lost my "emotions." I need to make some changes in 2019. I've finally reached great heights; I shouldn't stay at this level. I need to rediscover the spirit I had back then, to return to that fearless, invincible state I once was. (Insert a section of "D's Adventure Note" that I may never learn to play. Even if I can't play it, appreciating it every day is a kind of beauty.)