Year after year – 2018

2017 is almost over. Sitting on the plane back home, reflecting on the experiences and changes of this year, I am filled with emotion. Since my trip to San Francisco at the beginning of the year, I feel like I've been constantly driven forward by change. Even now, the final waves have not yet subsided.

This is my second trip back to China this year, and the most nerve-wracking one in the past five years, because I don't have the necessary documents to return. I just wanted to rest and clear my head. It's said to be a high-risk trip back, but thinking about it carefully, it's not so bad; it's just that the decision wasn't entirely in my own hands.

I remember writing an encrypted article at the beginning of the year, in which I expressed my expectations and goals for 2017. Looking back now, although it differed somewhat from my initial vision, I actually achieved my goals by chance.

Why use the word "surprisingly"? Because for me, 2017 can be summed up in one word: change. It was a year of transformation. I went abroad in 2012, and this was my fifth year. The last batch of my doctoral classmates graduated this year, and with most of my classmates and friends already gone, I suddenly felt a sense of loneliness. Washington, D.C., isn't a city where people congregate; after a short stay, most people chose to leave. After seeing off wave after wave of friends, I began to feel lost and a sense of urgency.

This sense of urgency gradually brought me to my senses, making me realize how deeply my dreams had been buried. I was merely dragging my weary body around, working mechanically like a walking corpse. In 2014, I considered starting my own business, and after two years on that path, I discovered it wasn't working in the US. I was reluctant to return to China, and although I was unwilling, I had to admit that I needed more experience and resources. As the saying goes, "Where there's life, there's hope." I lacked the right timing, location, and people; I should choose a roundabout approach, establish myself firmly, and become stronger.

This point was mentioned in an article at the beginning of the year, but I truly grasped its significance in June. After returning from a trip around China, I realized that although I was in the US, I was drifting further and further away from the core of my goals. Coupled with some company issues, this instantly woke me up. The plans I made at the beginning of the year were only truly implemented at this point. Luckily, I received help from a benefactor right at the beginning of everything.

Another thing that helped me grow this year was soccer. In May, I experienced the most exciting final of my life. In the Eastern Conference Cup, we stormed all the way to the final, and just when we thought everything was going smoothly, a sudden downpour disrupted everything. In the torrential rain, we were on the back foot, but we tenaciously fought back and tied the score time and time again. The final whistle blew, the score was 3-3, we lost on penalties, and finished as runners-up. Since my last-minute victory in the 2012 Division Cup final, it rekindled my passion for competitive soccer. If I had played a little harder, maybe I could have scored a hat-trick, scored the winning goal, and become a hero?

Shortly after the tournament ended, the team leader told me he was going back to China. This was like another bolt from the blue. I had been with the Jiaotong University team for three or four years. Although batches of teammates had come and gone, I always had a core member to rely on. In the following months, several key players also coincidentally moved on to other places. I knew this was bound to happen sooner or later, but I didn't expect it to happen so quickly. Perhaps it's time to adjust to life without football.

August 22nd arrived, the day before my birthday. That interview marked the beginning of a turnaround in my fortunes. After that, I received an offer, effortlessly won the US national soccer championship, and passed the I-140 exam without a problem. Everything started to become clearer and more definite. But from September until the end of the year, the final hammer never fell. In my anxiety, I learned to be more accepting: what is there to grieve about in life, what is there to suffer in death? Do your best and leave the rest to fate.

It makes us humans seem so fragile. If there weren't an omnipotent and benevolent God, we wouldn't even have anyone to turn to in times of crisis. Imagine being on an airplane, about to plummet; who could I turn to for help? When things are going smoothly for us, we never think about the suffering of those who are less fortunate. Only after experiencing it ourselves do we realize the beauty around us and cherish what we have.