Dreaming of the Future

"I don't think about whether I can succeed. Since I have chosen the distant horizon, I will just brave the wind and rain."

Last week was the most painful week since I started preparing for the GRE written test. My study plan was revised again and again for various reasons, and my study time was postponed repeatedly. Every time I revised the plan, I could convince myself to forge ahead, but when I actually planned it, I found it difficult to continue, either because the difficulty was too high or because of other distractions. If I had a way out last week and the week before, I have no way out this week. The pressure of time makes it impossible for me to tolerate my procrastination any longer.

Last Thursday and Friday, I browsed the Taisha and Jituo forums, seeking solutions to my problems. Although I saw many fellow sufferers in the same predicament, they still couldn't point me in the right direction. Then, I remembered what my teacher at New Oriental mentioned earlier this year about "Mastering GRE Vocabulary in 17 Days." He said the book was impractical, too demanding, and few could achieve it, so he didn't recommend it. With a tentative mindset, I opened this mysterious yet magical book.
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The book wasn't thick, and the content wasn't much either. I finished reading it on my way to the grave today. This book, which resembled a comic book, contained immense power. It was like a martial arts manual; to master it, one needed a strong, unwavering belief. Of course, successfully mastering the contents of the manual would greatly increase one's power. I don't believe I'm capable of mastering this manual, but I decided to try anyway because I had no other choice: April was approaching, and there were only two months left until the exam.

Mastering nearly 8,000 words in 17 days sounds like a fairy tale, and most people wouldn't believe it. However, my experience and intuition tell me that what's described in the book isn't fiction. Thinking back to my own vocabulary struggles, I'd only look at 10 new words in elementary school before giving up. In middle school, a unit had 20 words, and in high school, I could manage 50 words a day with tremendous effort. When preparing for the CET-4 and CET-6 exams, reading one list (100 words) a day wasn't impossible. Last year, when I started learning for the GRE, 150 words a day was extremely difficult, but after hearing my teacher say that everyone could memorize 450 words a day, I followed suit and achieved it. Indeed, human potential is beyond our imagination. When under pressure or with unwavering determination, one can unleash tremendous energy. Imagine if "memorizing 8,000 words in 17 days" became common knowledge—would I still be afraid?

Even though this common sense doesn't exist in my mind, I can only believe in the possibility of memorizing it, as described in the book. Seventeen days is still too long for me; perhaps this pressure will stimulate my potential and allow me to complete this "Sunflower Manual." I have no way out; I can only keep going…

Teacher Yang Peng shared his experience of memorizing vocabulary, emphasizing cutting off all escape routes and relentlessly pursuing completion until the task was finished. If he could do it, how could I, who has always considered myself exceptional, possibly succeed? The month starting tomorrow is crucial for me; it will be the biggest challenge I've ever faced in my life, and success or failure hinges on this. I don't want to lose, and cannot afford to lose, due to a lack of perseverance!

Today I went to sweep his grave. My grandfather has been lying there quietly for eight years. I don't know much about him, but I still miss him. He was a truly admirable person. I hope he can bless me with success.

Getting back to the main point, the title of this blog post is "Dreaming of the Future." Actually, I wanted to write this article last week, but I didn't have the time, so I'm only starting to write it now. Of course, my feelings then are very different from now; the passion and enthusiasm have turned into calm. Why think about the future? Because the present is too painful, and I can't calm my current distress without thinking about something beautiful.

I decided to study abroad in my junior year of college, much later than my competitors. Many things were new to me, requiring preparation. I also had to give up a lot of the foundation I had already built. Because of this, I gave up a great deal. Sometimes I wonder why I chose this path, but mostly I feel lost.

I'm a lazy person, and I crave stability. My family environment from childhood taught me that stability is paramount. Yet, I'm also a competitive person, unwilling to accept that others are better than me. These two factors inevitably create conflict. What path should I choose in the future: become a stable, government-employed employee or a world-class elite?

I chose the latter. Perhaps I won't achieve it, but I will dream of that day, using it as motivation on my bumpy road. There are many reasons for this decision, the most important being that I've seen the many problems that stability brings to society. I'm not used to, nor do I want to, associate with mediocre people; it makes me very unhappy. I prefer to be unconventional and carve out my own territory! It's getting late; many thoughts will have to wait until later.